Saturday, March 19, 2011

Through the looking glass darkly

My life never ceases to not amaze me. I have been burning candles at both ends trying to move. I am a week past due on my move by date. My fiancee's house is still a mess and I think we may have to foreclose on it. My fibro has been seriously acting up.

Still no co-pilot to Oregon and I am petrified of falling asleep at the wheel. And now I am not allowed to drink caffeine. See I was at the hospital yesterday and I was diagnosed with a UTI that may be moving into my kidney. Caffeine irritates the urinary tract. Thus no caffeine.

I am not done packing and still not sure if what we plan to take will all fit in the van. The van is in the shop again and of course the symptoms it has been giving me intermittently have not shown themselves at the mechanics. Adjusting the idle is all they did. I still have no home for the cats. And the house has been falling apart. Since deciding to move several things have decided to break.

My life feels like I am in hell at this moment. But amid the darkness there is always light, wonderful beautiful bittersweet light.

I got some good sleep after getting home from the ER yesterday. I woke up early and found Tony still online on Skype, which made me really happy.  I didn't go back to bed but I enjoyed the morning as much as possible doing things I love online.

The last week I have had several lovely surprises. I have new friends online, that live in Oregon, that have been very supportive emotionally to me the last few days. I had a lovely visit from my massage therapist friend and a much needed massage. I had a lovely talk with a new friend of ours in Oregon that is also now working at BBHS and would like to house with us there.

More importantly I got up and out today and walked to the Whistlestop cafe for breakfast. I enjoyed the walk very much, even though it was a little nippie. I had joint pain of course, however, I kept thinking about how I will always have this pain. However,  instead of thinking about how bad it was and how bad I wanted it  to stop, I decided to think about feeling the experience fully as it was. So I did.

I walked meditatively looking at the beautiful morning frost. I thought on reality and experience. I thought on feelings everything because only in doing so can one embrace life and themselves truly. I thought on accepting and loving myself as I am. I though about the pain. I thought on looking through a glass darkly; the way I see my life's perspective.

I feel a new women busting at the seems ready to spring forth. I know that no matter how bad things are in this moment it is just a moment. It will pass. I will move forward in space-time. I will become. I will choose. I will be. I am. Always anew.

Right now I am.a lovely dark giggley beautiful fat goddess. I will be okay. I will find a place; because life always moves things in a wonderful creative orderly fashion. It wants things to be organized. Trust life. Trust the universe. Most of all... always <3 fully.  Smooch.